Thursday, August 24, 2006

A Hypothetical Episode of "Grey's Anatomy"

Starring: Jill, Alex and the return of the SARS

Also, let's pretend it takes place at Detroit Recieving, because well quite frankly, that's a hell of a lot more badass than Seatle Grace.

Well, every episode of 'Grey's Anatomy' opens with a voice over of Meredith attempting to wax profound. What should she say? How about...."Detroit. *insert artistically shot montage of images of Detroit here* A city used more to gunshot wounds and car thefts than epidemic disease. But what we're used to doesn't always matter. Sometimes it means you date a vet instead of screwing a world renowned, and married, brain surgeon. Sometimes it means you eat the vanilla pudding at lunch instead of the chocolate. And then sometimes it means coming in on a normally calm workday to -

"*HACK HACK* (from two girls sitting in the waiting room of course)"

- epidemic disease." (sorry at the lame attempt at an opening monolouge. This is why I don't write for TV)

Now for the action. Shall we? Oh wait, before we get to that - this is the part when the screen goes white, the nice "Grey's Anatomy" logo appears and the twinkling music goes on in the background. Okay, now we can move on.

Scene 1: The two girls are at the registration table filling out forms and whatnot. This provides a handy cameo for Andrew J, who unluckily has been transfered from Harper to Recieving just in time for epidemic disease. He warily takes their papers from them as he is afraid of their coughing, which shakes both of them with much violence. But as he ushers them into triage, one of the girls - who is wearing dead sexy pink and black glasses by the way - is overcome by her coughing and collapses on the floor. Then of course it is necessary for Dr. George O'Malley to rush in - looking cute as always - and save her. (Sorry Jill, this is MY episode of Grey's Anatomy, and I totally get to be rescued by George)

Scene 2: Okay fine. Jill just informed me she wants to be rescued by George too. This means that I have to think of some sort of catastrophe which simultaneoulsy alienates George from the rest of the hospital forcing him to care for me and Jill on his own as well as creates a nice subplot to take care of Burke, Christina, Izzie, Bailey, etc and all the other characters I don't feel like writing about. Hmmmm....a catastrophe that can only happen in Detroit, as everything else in the world has already happened on Grey's (a broken elevator, crazed gunman, a bomb, etc). Ah yes, as Jill has just told me - something to do with cars.Just as George has finished stabilizing yours truly, suddenly a loud screeching noise is heard. A car has spun wildly out of control and plows through the lobby of Recieving. Oh hell, lets have its gas tank blow up, to make it more interesting. Also, let's just say that the car ran over and killed Alex (Karev, not me) because let's face it, he's kind of an ass anyway.

Scene 3: In all the comotion, George has lost track of Jill, but suddenly he sees that she too is near unable to stand up due to her violent coughing. He ushers her quickly to a bed near Alex, only to realize that no other doctors are around (as they are all occupied with aforementioned car) and he must save Jill as well (yay George!). *insert much medical mumbo jumbo which I cannot even pretend to write accurately* Just then Meredith appears to help George and the two of them cannot figure out what is wrong with these poor girls. (Meredith also brings along with her a very nice nurse, who unfortunately happens to be Danielle, who picked the wrong day to transfer from Oakword to Recieving)In an effort to determine what is wrong with the 2 girls, George and Meredith ask the two girls for more details about their condition.

Alex: "Well, it all started back in February. I think I caught it from a certain un-named man, and since I see Jill so much I think I spread it to her. It started with coughing -"

Jill: " - then we got the chills - "

Alex: " - then hot flashes - "

Jill: " - then of course, more uncontrollable coughing"


Alex: "And it went away, and then suddenly it came back - to both of us at the same time. Unexplicably" (wait....would I use big words like 'unexplicably' while hacking up a lung? oh well)

Scene 4: While Jill and Alex have stumped Meredith and George, the man who's bed is next to Alex starts coughing as well. The man's name is Pete, and he is in the hospital because he hit himself in the face with some aluminum siding earlier in the day. This gives a bit of quirky humor to everything, as well the fact Pete actually did this to himself today. Suddenly, George is transported back to his days at med school at the University of Toronto. The chills, hot flashes, the uncontrollable coughing, spreading from one person to another, why that reminds him of something he saw of a lot of in Toronto, it reminds him of.....SARS!!!!!!!!!!PANIC! PANDEMONIUM! CODE BLACK! Stop caring for those people who got ran over by that car, we're all going to die anyway!

Scene 5: Meredith, George, Alex, Jill, Pete, Nurse Danielle and Andrew J (who had the misfortune of handling our contaminated paperwork) are now all in quarantine. What follows is a poignant scene in which Alex and Jill proclaim their friendship for one another, George says he still loves Meredith, Meredith sees McDreamy in the distance and the two share a "look," Andy and Danielle are just generally angry that we coughed on them, and Pete sings softly to himself the Bob Dylan song he always wanted played at his funeral, "Knockin' on Heaven's Door." This is all montaged with images of the other doctors trying in vain to save the car-run-over-people as they find themselves overcome by the SARS as well. There is also an image of Alex Karev's poor dead body being carted away, let's say its by Stephanie, because she wants to study what happens to organs when they get run over by a car. This is the montage that typically occurs at the end of every episode of "Grey's Anatomy" and must be accompanied by some sort of pop-y, but still meloncholy song, generally sung by a woman. But I'll leave the soundtrack up to someone else.

Scene 6: Smoke from the exploding gas tank billows down the halls and Alex and Jill continue to cough up their lungs.....though no one knows if its from smoke or the SARS anymore now. Throughout the halls, doctors, nurses, and patients have the tell-tale SARS cough (Alex and Jill coughed all over too much of everything for quarantine to matter much) Now, I don't know how to end this episode - should Detroit Recieving go up in flames in true Detroit style? It would kill eveyone inside (including me!) but that would stop the spread of the SARS. Or should we survive the fire but then contaminate all of Detroit with SARS? I just can't decide. So I will end it in the best cop-out way there be continued....

(I'll let you know how it ends if/when me and the Jill recover from this outbreak of our SARS. Though I think this would be a nice first half to a season finale, don't you? I really should send this in to ABC.)