How I Broke Up With Grey's Anatomy.

Oh Grey's Anatomy. There was a time, in the not that far off past, when I eagerly awaited 9pm on Thursday nights [or gasp!...Sunday nights! Remember those days!?]; I remember running home from the most boring "Woman's Lit" class ever to be sure I didn't miss a minute of our favorite Seattle Grace interns' lives. There was a time when my friends and I had the perhaps strange tradition of making waffles and maybe cracking open a few beers every Thursday night while we yelled at the TV telling Meredith Grey to get her life in order, even though seeing as we were having beer and waffles for dinner we clearly didn't have our own lives in order either.
But that was the great thing about Grey's Anatomy - I felt like Meredith, Cristina, Izzie, Alex and George were my friends because well, they were just like my friends. I wasn't a medical intern but at the start the characters were so true-to-life it didn't matter, I could have related to them if they were astronauts. At the beginning Grey's was a show about the pain of growing up, the pain of realizing your parents can't help you anymore - even if they aren't relegated to a nursing home, the pain of finally realizing you need to stop being selfish because you actually have to be responsible for others on occasion whether you take a Hippocratic oath or not, the pain of forming deep relationships even if they sometimes leave you sobbing on your bathroom floor in a prom dress. In other words, Grey's wasn't a show about medicine, it was a show about life.
But somewhere along the way the sensational hookups and gratuitously weird medical cases took over and our five favorite interns faded into the background. I used to be pretty sure George O'Malley was my ideal man [I'm now pretty sure it's Don Draper, so like Grey's my standards have sunk significantly], but George just died on this season's premiere and well, I actually didn't care much. My favorite character of my once favorite TV show just died - complete with requisite funeral scene! And scenes of other characters crying! And talking fondly of his memory! - and I didn't even get a tad misty eyed. It's pretty sad actually, I should have mourned George like an old friend, because he sort of was in that way imaginary characters who stand in for real life people and memories can be. But I guess I have reached the "Acceptance" stage of grief, because I have been watching Grey's die its own slow death for awhile now. And it is only appropriate that last night's premiere prominently featured Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' famous five stages of grief, because George's funeral felt more like a funeral for the show itself.

My steps to Acceptance:

Stage 1: Denial
This is without a doubt what has kept me watching this show for going on 6 seasons now, even though it started to take a nose dive somewhere around the third. When it was just a few strange occurrences it was indeed easy to deny: An icicle impaled Cristina? Well that's....kinda funny? George and Izzie hooked up? Well that won't last long...right?! Lexie broke Mark's penis!?! Well...ummmmm...errrr? Izzie is having sex with ghost?!
Sad to say but when one of your main characters is having sex with a ghost its a little hard for even to most die hard fan to turn a blind eye to your show's ridiculousness. Just sayin'.

Stage 2: Anger
Why you have to do this to me Grey's?! I will bitch about your ridiculousness to everyone I know, including on a blog that no one reads. You won an EMMY Grey's for godssakes, and now I have to deal with characters who come and go like it ain't no thang [What exactly happened to Dr. Hahn!? And that Sadie chick? Was her only purpose to look hot and get her appendix out?] and worse yet, with plot lines that start, stop, and get dropped into oblivion [Hey! Remember how Izzie actually has a fucking kid!?].

Stage 3: Bargaining
Maybe Grey's can get better! Maybe if they just gave George a story and some actual lines to read! Maybe if they just finally let Meredith and Derek be together without all this nonsense! Maybe if Lexie wasn't so insipid and annoying! Maybe if there was some actual character development instead of this all this sudden out of nowhere hey guess what someone is a lesbian stuff! Maybe if heaven forbid they brought Burke back! Maybe if they brought Addison back! [<----that last thing would work btw. Because Addison is awesome. That schlock Private Practice is not awesome however.]
Enough maybes. It is over. No matter what you do, nothing can save this trainwreck of a show now. Sigh.

Stage 4: Depression
What am I going to do on Thursday nights now ABC? Well, actually I haven't watched Grey's live for awhile now and catch it online, and watch 30 Rock in the same time slot instead. So I guess that point is moot.
But I was depressed for awhile, my once favorite show ruined. I watched the old episodes on my computer, you know, to remember the good times. I guess we'll always have that hilarious Christmas episode where Izzie flips out and yells "Because it's what Jesus would freakin' do!" Classic. [If you watched the show, you know exactly what moment I am talking about.]
What happened Grey's? You used to be funny! And then you got all self-serious and annoying. It's like what happened to Kanye - Gold Digger was pretty humorous, but then he released 808s and Heartbreak and now he's interrupting precocious blond country singers. Really, you took the same path Grey's.
But here we go, just for old times sake:


Stage 5: Acceptance
It's okay, Grey's. We'll always have the good times. When I need some high melodrama I can always watch those season 2 episodes where Izzie cut Denny's LVAD wire on my iTunes, because those were pretty tense. And George, you and wonky haircut will always have a special place in my heart.
But I've moved on now, and I'm alright with that. You know how several years down the road you meet some long lost friend from high school and they've turned into a drunk/slut/douche/Republican but even then you still kind of love them just because once in an encapsulated moment in time, they were awesome? Yeah, that's how I will always love my Seattle Grace interns. And maybe if Grey's has a renaissance of sorts, I'll go head and give it another shot. But for now, I can get my blood-splattering action more brilliantly elsewhere:




So Grey's this is the end, beautiful friend. Consider this the episode ending goodbye montage, as the soothing tones of some singer-songwritery female voice fills our ears with her wisdom. It was good while it lasted, but greener pastures call. Seriously.

Three Dog Nightmare

So the trainwreck that is Grey's anatomy reached a new high (low?) last week when Mark Sloane suffered a penile fracture. Grey's should have taken this one step farther and Had his penis split in half a la Chuck Negron from Three Dog Night. This series of events was so absurd that it led to this exchange with the Jay-Z via text:

Jill: Oh. My. God
Karen: Did Mark split in half?
Jill: Three god nightmare!
Karen: Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Jill: I mean dog
Karen: I hope Chuck Negron is watching

The moral of the story is hopefully to stop getting it on during working hours. Sadly, everyone at Seattle Grace is a sex freak and that will never happen. This event also proved once and for all that every doctor is mentally 2 years old. I think every lame pun that could be used to describe Marcs unfourtunate predicament was used.

In other events, ghost stalking was still going strong by Denny. However, Izzie seems to finally be getting the hint that he is in fact a ghost, and is not actually real. We may have seen the last of ghost Denny after Izzie finally figured out that I'm here for you means that Izzie is sick. This brings me to another peeve I have about this show, every time one of the doctors has a medical problem they insist on running a bunch of tests on themself instead of asking one of the many quailifed doctors on the Seattle Grace hospital to figure out what is wrong with them ( oh wait, every doctor at Seattle Grace is a hack, except for Alex)

And finally the death row inmates liver dilemma continued. Bailey and Dereck both pondered whether they were exectioners or doctors, in really melodramatic fashion of course. This three week storyline was completely unneccessary as they later found organs for the kid elsewhere in the hospital. What could have been a interesting moral dilemma turned out to lame, but by now you should be watching this show with low expectations.

"Am I a executioner or am I a surgeon?"

So a new promo has been running on ABC all week featuring the above line, and every time i hear Derek say that I start laughing. That one line pretty much sums up how bad this show has become.

resuscitating

GHOST SEX!!!

Tonight one of the most awkward conversations in the history of Grey's Anatomy occurred between Izzie and Christina. A paraphrased version:

Izzie: I may not get the solo surgery but i am having the best sex ever. Out of anyone in the world. No one else has ever had sex as good as the sex I am having right now with my dead fiance. If everyone else had a ghost to have sex with they would have sex in the storage closest at the hospital in the middle of the afternoon just like I just did.

Christina: Please go away

Denny used to by my favorite character on this dumb show and now his character has been ruined beyond redemption. He is like stalker ghost! If ghost Denny had a ipod I hope he is listening to the stalker song ( note I am about to listen to stalker song). He shows up in the lounge, he watches Alex and Izzie get it on, he is in the operating room. Please go back to wherever you came from Denny.

Now lets discuss how adorable my boy Alex Karev was in this episode. Not only does he refuse to suck up to Christina but he declares his love for Izzie ( he could seriously do so much better) and shows his sensitive side when he starts talking about how Izzie is his best chance for happiness. I am so glad that Alex got the solo surgery.

What was with the random intern at the beginning of the show announcing that he was going to have sex? This show doesn't even try to be about medicine anymore. I think Mark sloane is like 3 episodes from being a likable character. He might be nearing the end of his man whore ways. And of course the moral of this show was don't text and drive.

back when grey's was (somewhat) good...

i have been reminiscing over my favorite over-the-top, jumping-the-shark, yelling-at-the-TV moments from the last 4 seasons. the following are just a few memorable scenes and quotes, listed in order of increasing ridiculosity:


10."do you like jail!?!"
[cristina and izzy steal a body to do an autopsy].
if a patient ever specifically makes a request against a medical procedure, the grey's doctors only find that as direct encouragement to go on with the exact thing. (for further discussion: see #3: prom/denny). nevermind that they did discover the man died of a genetic disease, nevermind that they did eventually get the family's permission, i could have done with a few minutes of seeing izzy and yang behind bars.

9."i hate trout!!!
[addison hates trout/the men go camping].
there really is no excuse to live in a little tiny camping trailer on a huge plot of land when you're a multi-million-dollar earning surgeon, so i'm totally behind Addison on this one. never should have given up that brownstone in manhattan, girl. and those doctors have no more business going fishing and getting all outdoorsy than would paris hilton running for president – your expertise is in the OR, which comes to point all to soon when somebody catches joe's boyfriend with a fishhook in the back of the head.

8."that was mark."
[mcdreamy punches mcsteamy in the face].
sloane shows up in seattle and takes all of 2 seconds to start hitting on meredith, which prompts derek to fly from wherever in the hospital to clock him in the side of the head – only giving sloane further chance to show off and suture his own face and earn his own nickname: "mcsteamy." i'm with george on this one: "choking back some mc-vomit."

7. "i've spent lots of time imagining myself half-naked in a room full of women and the reality is so much better."
[george gets syphilis].
before george became the man-whore of seattle grace (seriously, calculate how many people he's slept with!), he was all sweet and innocent – and slapped with an STD. and somehow the entire intern crew managed to show up and check out his ass when he was getting his antibiotics. poor george.

6. "it looks like santa threw up in here."/"it's what jesus would freakin' do!!!"
[izzy goes christmas overboard].
for the portions of the population who don't enjoy the piney-smell of fir trees, peppermint sweetness of candy canes, twinkling lights in the snow, and bright holiday melodies, i understand why this episode would make you want to poke your eyes out with a pencil. even i – with my tendencies to start the holiday music in mid-september - found izzy to be annoyingly annoying and diminishing of my own christmas spirit. but, at least she got a dose of reality with her overwhelming christmas cheer by doing something she absolutely hated: pretending to be a sick, overweight farmer to help alex study for his boards.

5. "we screw boys like whores on tequila."
[everybody has slept with everybody at least once, maybe even twice].
i cannot look at a tequila shot without having a little voice in the back of my head pipe up and chide, "don't end up like meredith grey….". it would take A LOT of tequila to get me anywhere close to meredith's status, or the status of anyone else on that show, considering they make bad sexual decisions with less abandon and more frequency than a normal person does when sending an e-mail.

4. "i'm bambi, george!"
[izzy resuscitates a deer].
this whole episode was a giant wtf moment. being an animal lover, i certainly wasn't delighted to see the deer in pain, but i wasn't reduced to a sobbing blubbery mess as when doc was put to sleep either. can you really use a portable defibrillator on a deer? and if you do, does the deer really jump up onto all its four legs and walk off into the sunset as though it was never hit by a truck?

3. whose panties are on the bulletin board!?"
[seattle grace throws a prom/izzy cuts denny's wires].
random event: the hospital throws a prom. despie wanting to be DNR, izzy cuts denny's wires in an attempt to get him a new heart (he does) and then spends too much time deciding what prom dress to wear (he dies). meredith puts her dog to sleep, sleeps with derek in a hospital room, loses her underwear, breaks up with mcvet, and manages to look mopey the entire time. everyone else in the episode generally runs around like chickens with their heads cut off.

2. meredith's multiple deaths
[meredith grabs hold of the bomb/meredith falls off a ferry boat]
as her therapist asks (in slightly more kind terms), what the hell is wrong with you that you keep putting yourself in these situations?! only meredith grey could grab ahold of a bomb and prevent it from going off, only to have it kill a member of the bomb squad (whose death is never mentioned again) and then have him reappear in her limbo-like state when she falls off a ferry boat. bomb man, train woman, denny, and doc (which sounds like a companion show to aqua teen hunger force) all magically reappear in meredith's dream to tell her to enjoy her life (i.e., less mopey) before they randomly start gushing blood and re-enacting their deaths. break out the elaine scarry and apply the trauma theory on these storylines.

1. "oh my god, you have a [fill-in-the-blank-with-exceedingly-rare-medical-mystery] case!?!"
[full gamut of medical calamities]
a man who eats scissors; bomb in a body cavity!; exploding necks; a man who chainsaws off his foot; impaled on a train; impaled on a tree; encased in cement; woman crushed by ferry boat; pregnant man; "his piercing is stuck on my IUD. and we're divorced;" brain tumors; body tumors; spontaneous orgasms; PENIS FISH.

A Eulogy for Grey's Anatomy, the worst show on TV that I still kinda loved.

Hey Grey's Anatomy, remember when you were an actual show that dealt with actual issues, like ferry boat disasters, girls with terminal cancer who just wanted a prom, the ethics of the doctor-patient relationship, how to handle an unexpected pregnancy and syphilis?

And then remember that one night you suddenly became a show about lesbians and ghost sex?

Nothing against the lesbians actually, but.....ghost sex?!?!!
Okay, to be fair the ghost sex hasn't occurred just yet [but if the previews are any indication, it will shortly].

The only way I will forgive this is if it's some elaborate set-up to show that Izzie is already dead [yessssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!] and that Alex is the crazy one hallucinating that she's still here. Because as we all know, Alex tends to like his ladies on the crazy side - so maybe, he's actually the crazy one.

Oh! Or, maybe everyone is already dead - because as Meredith's near death experience taught us, the after world looks just like Seattle Grace. Satre-ian twists like that I would expect from a show like Lost [return please!], but hey, maybe Dr. McArmy is the new Henry Gale. At the very least I can hope for a cross-over episode with two very different versions of hell: the 12th ranked teaching hospital in the nation in Seattle, or a tropical island with magical qualities and polar bears.
And since my heathen ways will probably land me in hell, I'm totally choosing the tropical island with magical qualities and polar bears when my time comes.

Even more ominous was Dr. Dixon's declaration that "I don't like this hospital - I don't like this hospital at all" - do the writers even like this hospital they created anymore? Or are they trying to sabatoge themselves? And for godssakes, where the hell was George?!!!

Hell may be other people, or it may just be the people at Seattle Grace.